"Wednesday"

I guess I'm using my "192-hour grace" since I should've last posted--God's grace is limitless, right?

Sorry for my extreme tackiness in regards to this blog. I've honestly just been struggling a lot lately, I think especially just doubts in regards to how much I agree with HMCC's vision have made me question whether or not to stay at the church which to some extent brings a sense of compromise either way...but for now, I've decided to stay, and continue to try to challenge my beliefs as they stand and see if they hold strong. I know this is all kind of vague. I intended to address it a little in the post from two weeks ago that I only half-finished, but I think there's still some further reflection I need to go through first.

But, in this post, I want to focus not on doubts but on how to maintain a consistent and intimate relationship with God despite that.

So, I've hinted at this a little in my past few posts, but the one thing that has kept me totally in awe of God and thus safe from complete struggle lately has been this amazing wonder at his sovereignty and perfect timing. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I feel like just as I had completely written out having a father figure in my life, just as I had put that relationship completely in the past and established a compromised identity of only child from a single-parent family, God sovereignly placed my father back in my life. And slowly too, because He knew I would struggle. But he used these past two years to challenge me to let my father back into my life and to learn to love him and accept his role in my life (even in shaping my past). And even though I struggled against it so much and never really believed it was completely possible for me to do either, God continued to challenge me. As I shared a few weeks ago, I met my father for the first time in 10 years. This past weekend, I met with him and his fiancee again as well as my youngest half-sister for the first time.

While these relationships are still flawed and I can't say I have the same pure love for my dad that I have for my sister, I have just been so amazed at God. I feel like I've always strayed away from Hollywood endings for my family. Though throughout my life I've always consciously or unconsciously wanted a father or siblings, I figured I would never have them, and so I desensitized myself to that desire, and was left only with a vague sort of envy at those who took for granted turning to their father's for advice, meeting up with them over a meal, etc. and meeting up with their sisters all in one place. I think I still feel like I'm leading this double life because even in it's stark reality, this and the things to come are so far from what I ever imagined. My other sister, Audrey, also just moved back to Michigan (to Bay City, very close to Saginaw) this summer after living in Minnesota, and that too is just another link in God's timing.

Sorry to ramble on, but I guess I just really wanted to share that testimony of God's goodness in my life. Despite my serious lack of faithfulness these past few weeks, and I guess over a life time, God has been infinitely faithful.

I'll try to be brief on this last part, but I want to share a piece of our bible study at life group last night that is related to the idea of wonder. The Message paraphrase of Galatians 3:2-6 is this:

"Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!

Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? Don't these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God."

I feel like Paul is speaking as much to me as the Galatians here. Even though I began my Christian walk in wonder of God and even times like now, I come back to that wonder, I so quickly trade it for my own self-sufficiency and independence again. Honestly, it's as if I'm saying, "God you've been good, but not good enough." In relation to this passage, we talked a lot last night about the relationship between wonder and fear. Fear is definitely the conditioned form of wonder. Both deal with the unknown, but where wonder promotes a sense of curiosity at what's unknown and a sense of trust that whatever comes will be good, fear brings with it worry and anxiety which are ultimately attempts to try to control what comes next, not believing that it could be purely good. Similarly, in our walks with God, sometimes we are in a state of wonder of what comes next for us, but more often we fear the unknown and try to control it by our own means rather than just trusting Him and we pay the price for it in feeling far from Him.

Ultimately, I think it really comes down to what Pastor Pete wrote in the weekly email that was sent out today: "We are at this moment as close to God as we really choose to be. True, there are times when we would like to know a deeper intimacy, but when it comes to the point, we are not prepared to pay the price involved." - J. Oswald Sander I think we try to gain intimacy with God by our own efforts--praying, reading the Bible, etc.--and we think that if we do these things and still don't connect with God, we're failing. But we are so emotionally conditioned. We think always in terms of "feeling close to God" even though He is always close to us. I think sometimes what we really need in order to restore our faith is not action--though I don't discount that you can find God again through continuing routine--but wonder and an ability to just sit still with God, in thankfulness of His work in your life, reflecting on how He has moved you in the past, remembering the truths of his character...

Heavenly Father, I lift up Shelby, Erica, Elizabeth, Amanda, Carol, Savannah, Abel, and Martha to you. Even from many of their posts and conversations with them, I sense that as a community we are struggling to see you Lord, struggling to find your clear presence and even direction in our lives. We question why you have brought us by certain paths, why we've had to feel so much hurt, why no matter what we do, we can't seem to get as close to you as we desire. I pray that this week, this summer, we would be able to come back to a child-like sense of wonder, Lord, that we may be able to see our lives not as our own, but in your hands. Your hands that have never released us from your embrace. May we be able to thank you, Lord, for your sovereignty and guidance. We try so hard to reach up far enough to connect with you, but you've had your arms stretched out to us all along.

I pray too that this community would grow in intimacy too. Not that we are each independently struggling or growing, but that we would be able to testify to each other of your work in our lives as well as our questions and doubts and support each other in everything. Guide our footsteps, our every action. We love you. We trust you. We praise you. Amen :)